


The right hand to hold

by Beezarre



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst (canon related), F/F, Fix-It, Near-Death Experience, love (surely that counts as a tag)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-11 12:22:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19928014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beezarre/pseuds/Beezarre
Summary: The day after the announcement of Bernie’s disappearance, Serena has an accident on her way to work. As her world fades to black, she is welcomed by ethereal familiar faces, lost family and friends coming to greet her. Everyone is there, except Bernie. What if Bernie wasn’t dead? Is that hope enough to push away all the people she had mourned all those years?Fix-it fic, with some canon-related angst.





	The right hand to hold

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to @Daisydoctor13 @Slightlyintimidating /Sevtacular and @Imagebender /Kayryn for believing in this story and in my ability to write it!
> 
> [The song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRuAyA38Rdc) I was listening to on repeat while writing this (the lyrics are unrelated (and French), but the beat…. Fits somewhat?) 

♥  
Serena swallowed hard, her mouth as dry as the moment she’d heard. She’d refused any help getting home, driving slower than usual without taking in the familiar landscape, ignoring the irate drivers overtaking her with loud horn blasts that pierced the ears that had a record on repeat, broken, ragged.

By the time she’d reached her street, things had gotten blurry. She’d managed to hold on until the door had closed behind her, collapsing on the floor, extending her hand toward someone who wasn’t there. Wouldn’t ever be again. Next, she’d reached for an old friend, stopping mere inches away, a voice in her head telling her this is not what Bernie would have wanted. The Shiraz remained on the table, uncorked.

She hadn’t bothered reheating the leftovers, eating them cold for the sake of remaining alive, forcing herself to clear her eyesight to go through the pictures on her phone, drowning in Guinevere’s smile, Jason and Greta’s pride, reminding herself of those she was still fighting for. She’d fallen asleep on her kitchen floor, waking only a couple hours later in a cold sweat, crying herself into another nap, and another, until she was too full of pain to let it out.

She had been awake long before her usual alarm, a ghost in her own house as the day rose and coloured the familiar space in warmer tones. She’d left at the usual time, mostly skipping makeup.

She was strong. Those words were inked in the colours of the rainbow on her every scar, every vein and artery of her heart, left there by Bernie herself. She’d showed her the way. She couldn’t let her down. She had to soldier on. For her soldier, and the army that had lost a Major.

♥

She cursed when she saw the tunnel lights were out again, she always dreaded that half mile where most drivers never bothered turning their lights on. She checked hers were, out of habit. She didn’t see the other car swerving. She made a split second eye contact with the other driver, and thought that she’d never have guessed Death could be a redhead. She saw the fear she knew matched her own, the shadow of an apology, maybe a prayer. She wished she had someone to pray to. The only name on her lips the one she’d be meeting sooner than planned. Maybe it was just as well. Maybe…

The crash was more violent than she’d expected, taking her breath before she felt wetness on her cheeks she knew wasn’t tears as her head hit the steering wheels. She didn’t want to think about what the metal would do to her body. She knew Jason didn’t like the idea of open casket funerals anyway.

♥

She’d expected blackness. After all, that’s what the absence of light was supposed to be, but she could see some faint lights in the distance. She was heading for them, at walking speed, without even trying to move. Floating, she suspected. She didn’t believe in life after death, wished she did, it would make things so much easier. She knew brains tended to hit their panic button at the last minute.

Somehow, she could still feel the pain as she recognised her little girl’s face smiling at her, hand extended in her direction. She looked well, happy, healthy, of course she would. There were more lights behind and beside her. Her mother, with her father’s fainter hand on her shoulder. She was smiling too, looking younger than she had the last time she had seen her. Her hand looked younger too, stronger. A shadow to her left she suspected might be Marjorie was more indistinct.

She saw Raf and Arthur, with Jasmine and Roxanna by their side. Their smiles made her wish tears could blur them a little, the light too much to bear. Her family and friends were here. She recognised more people massing behind the front row. She’d always said Ellie had the abilities of a leader. This wasn’t what she had meant. She could see her own hand, a fainter light, in front of her.

Instead of giving it to Ellie right away, she had two of those, after all, in a place like this Ellie could learn to share, she extended it to her side, and waited for a moment before turning her head. Nothing. She checked her other side. Still nothing. The mass of smiling faces was getting closer, but something was wrong. Where was she?

She tried to turn but couldn’t quite get a view behind her. She started searching the faces, willing to battle through the crowd if that was what it took. If she was going to do this, there were two hands she wanted to hold. Bernie’s, for courage, and Ellie’s, for comfort. Or maybe it was the other way around. Her fingers were inches away from Ellie’s, she was so close, her smile, peaceful and accepting, welcoming. Her mother held her head high, her smile, forgiving, gentle. Raf and Arthur were in AAU scrubs, ready to follow their leader.

She resisted. Decided to wait, just a few seconds, if seconds even meant anything in a place like this, with no heartbeat to count them to. She tried taking a step back, moving back for lack of being able to turn away. She saw Ellie’s smile shrink, saw tears in her eyes, her hand offered more fervently. She saw her as she remembered her, age five, lip quivering, precursor to a flood of tears. She saw the blooming of anger and disappointment in her mother’s eyes, blood on Raf’s scrubs, weakness in Arthur who had to lean against him for support.

♥

For every step she took, harder every time, she saw those faces disappear and distort, saw those lights fading until a wave of darkness took over. The pain had come back, harsh and unforgiving. She couldn’t breathe, could taste blood, her brain desperately trying to conjure up scenarios, trying to diagnose what she knew could be her cause of death. She felt a shock.

“Fuck! We’re losing her!”

♥

This time it was just Elinor, looking as she had moments before their fight. She wasn’t reaching for her, wasn’t smiling, wasn’t crying either.

“Is she worth it?” It was her voice, her tone, and it hurt, but it wasn’t the five year old she was responsible for anymore, it was her grown up daughter asking her a serious question. Serena could only nod.

“Then go. Worst case scenario, you know where to find us.” Elinor smiled vanished softly, leaving Serena in the dark.

She felt like her head was spinning, her ears ringing with sounds she couldn’t hear. When her mother appeared, her arms were crossed, her jaw set. It took a moment for her father to appear behind her. “Come, Adrienne. Maybe it’s just not time yet. I’d rather she were late, wouldn’t you?” He made his wife turn around and, together, hand in hand, they walked away, taking a weight off Serena’s chest.

Raf and Arthur were next. “There are many, many more people waiting on the other side of that veil, Serena.” “Don’t keep them waiting too long.” They saluted as they faded and she felt the darkness around her fade with them. She fought against it, trapped, lost.

♥

“Serena? Can you hear me?”

“Maybe if you spoke a little higher she’d hear you better. Mr Griffin said it would take a long while for her to be awake. I trust Mr Griffin’s judgement.”

“So do I. I also trust Serena to beat the odds.”

Those voices. Was she imagining them? It had been Bernie, hadn’t it? And Jason. Oh, Jason, how many people would he have to lose?

♥

“Serena, it’s me. If you don’t wake up before the next nurse round I’ll be gone, because I’ve had to plead Jason to wheel me here. Long story. They’ll have to change my IV anyway. I’m not far. I’m not going anywhere. And you better not either, everyone in here is running like headless chickens.” A deep, somewhat laboured, breath. “Please, Serena, please wake up. Please.”

Bernie. It was Bernie. She couldn’t quite make out the words, but it was her, her voice, her anguish. She wanted to move, wanted to do something, anything, but darkness took over before she could react.

♥

“Serena. It’s me again. Turns out I’m such a terrible patient that the nurses are happier with me in someone else’s room! Sacha will be there in a bit, Henrik has probably already been, but I doubt he said anything. He’s already not talkative when people are awake.” Half a laugh that made her heart do something encouraging, deep down. “Ric is somber. No one likes operating on one of their own. Gave him a fright when he saw me on the way out, apparently. I mean if I can come back from the dead, surely you can? Serena? Please?”

It was Bernie. She was alive. She was there. Serena plunged again, hearing an ominous beeping as she did, and a sharp ‘no’.

♥

She felt a hand in hers. Which meant she felt her hand. That was an improvement. She heard a lot of beeping, could feel her lungs, which she could have done without given how uncomfortable that was, could move parts of her body she could tell would need further mending in the near future. A right mess. This time the exterior would reflect the interior.

“Serena? Serena!” Bernie! She guessed more than she felt her pressing the emergency button.

“I think she’s awake, Ric. She’s moving. A bit.”

“Took her long enough.” Sacha sounded annoyed, but deep down Serena knew he was just relieved. Like her, he had lost too many people to bear adding another name to the list.

She opened her eyes right before Ric tried checking them with his flashlight, earning himself a glare for his troubles.

“She’s awake alright.”

She tried talking, her lips barely opening. She was offered water before she could get a sound out, by a heavily bandaged hand. Once the water was out of the way, she tried on her sore throat.

“Bernie?” She wasn’t sure she should move her head just yet, she just had to be sure.

“In the flesh. Just a bit less flesh than planned, that’s all.” She felt her squeeze her hand.

“How about we let those two talk, I’ll let Jason know his Auntie is awake.” Serena wished she could thank him, somehow, but only managed a smile she hoped he’d see. She heard the door close behind him and Ric, Bernie’s thumb caressing her hand, soothing. There was just one thing…

“Where… where were you?”

“On my way home. I’d handed my resignation twenty minutes before the camp blew up, so obviously no one ever found it. It was only several hours later, when we got to base, that people realised their mistakes. They’re not normally that quick at announcing people being MIA, but apparently I deserved special treatment.” She was clearly still annoyed at that.

“There’s a point where this kind of mission becomes too much. I’d hit that point in Nairobi, it’s part of why I came back. I couldn’t stay in Holby though, so I left again. Every mile, Serena, every mile further away from here made me feel like…” She stopped, looking away, giving Serena a better view of that hair she loved so much.

“I ended here as a patient because an ambulance tried to take over the taxi I was in and smashed us into the railing. It was full, and we had to wait for the next one. Given how close we were and the fact that you were admitted before me, chances are it was you, in that ambulance. Could have killed us both.”

  
“But it didn’t.” Her voice was faint, she could feel unconsciousness sneaking up on her, and just wanted a few more seconds. “Please stay.” Those weren’t really the words she’d meant to say, and her fluttering eyelids wouldn’t let her see if Bernie had registered them, but she felt her squeeze her hand. Her hand felt solid and warm in hers. A hand for holding.

“I’m here.” Those were the last words she heard, surrounded by more beeping than her brain could process, before sleep claimed her. Ellie’s ghost smile would keep haunting her, but she wasn’t ready to go just yet. Ellie, and all the others, were frozen in eternity. The eternity Bernie had promised her, all those months before, was one that could move at its own pace, their pace, whatever they chose. She’d have that eternity first, if Bernie was willing. The other could wait.  
♥


End file.
